Are You In Control and Passionate in Your Relationship?

September 15, 2007

The question I have been given for this blog is:

I feel controlled — he thinks I don’t submit. We’ve been dating 2 years but I feel less in love all the time. He wants a commitment. I’ve suddenly realized I don’t think I have ever been passionately in love, even though I was married 18 years (I’ve now been single as long)

My Answer to your question is:

I’d like to start with the first part of your question…”I feel controlled”. It is so important to feel in control of ourselves and not give the control to someone else. Yes, that is what I imagine you have done, given control to your loved one. I imagine you felt controlled earlier in your life. This then becomes a natural and easy place to be, even though it’s something you don’t want to feel.

I’m delighted you take responsibility and say you feel controlled and don’t blame your love one which many people do.  Have you told him this is how you feel? It is so important to communicate effectively and to say how you feel. This could be useful information for him not just about how you feel but his role in this. Not only tell him how you feel controlled but tell him why…pinpoint what it is that creates that feeling in you.

Also tell him what you would prefer him to do differently…of course you need to know what this is first. Be very clear. You cannot expect him to be different but you can ask. At the same time, you are informing him that whatever he does or says affects you in some way and he must take responsibility too….this does not mean he has to change….he has to want to if that is what’s necessary.

At the same time, what is the opposite to feeling controlled for you…whatever it is, start focusing on that, notice how you hold yourself differently, where you feel this in your body, how you think and image differently…make this new feeling and body language bigger….then, make it bigger still…touch the part of your body so that you can do this later and bring the feeling back.

The next part of your question is “he thinks I don’t submit.” I imagine you mean that he thinks you don’t completely relax and give your body when making love…if this is the case and you think you do, then he needs to enlarge upon his thinking and tell you what he’s feeling as a result of it with “I feel…(whatever the emotion is)”. He could then tell you what he’d like you to do differently…there may be something specific he’s referring to.

Now this does not mean you have to do anything you don’t want to do and you can say so if this is the case. But if you are willing to try something different, then go ahead and practise…enjoy it. So ask him how he is feeling and what he needs/wants.

The next part of your question is challenging “We’ve been dating 2 years but I feel less in love all the time. He wants a commitment. I’ve suddenly realized I don’t think I have ever been passionately in love, even though I was married 18 years (I’ve now been single as long)” I imagine you’re not married and I would ask why you are still together if you are not in love with him…there must be something that keeps you together and that could be important enough for you to rekindle the relationship or you might be there because you are used to this way of being and feeling…similar to the past maybe.

Passion has been a challenge for me too. I learned that I was passionate in other areas of my life and what I found useful was to bring more passion into my whole life…so I would recommend that you start focusing on being passionate all the time…be passionate in your work/job; be passionate as you walk…put a spring in your step…walk with determination; look in the mirror and tell yourself “I   l  o v e   y o u” and mean it…get passionate with yourself…be passionate with your body…make love to yourself…this may or may not lead to masterbation but start really loving yourself passionately; make you meals with passion.

If you don’t know what passion looks/feels like then find a time in your life when you felt excited about what you were doing/experiencing (for you to know that it is missing, means that you must have experienced it)…focus on that time…close your eyes and go back and reconnect with the passionate feeling…notice where you feel it in your body…make the feeling bigger…then bigger still….put your hand on the part of your body where you feel excited/passionate. Then you can recall that feeling any time you put your hand on that part of your body. Of course, you can do this when making love with your loved one.

Remember, you have to want to rekindle this relationship…if you don’t, then get out and practise on yourself until you meet someone you do want to feel passionate with.

It is never too late to be passionately in love but you have to start with you…role model it so that the man in your life can see that you feel worthy of it and gives you passionate love too. (Law of Attraction) 

I have the sense that you don’t feel passionately loved by your loved one any more than he thinks you don’t submit or commit. He needs to submit in some way that he isn’t at the moment, probably not in a sexual way, and he must commit in some way that he’s not doing for you…observe him and notice what it is you want from him and tell him.

Good communication is vital in every relationship and to have a magical rekindled love life, takes energy.

Here’s to you first loving yourself more.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, author of Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”  and the Love Wizard Providing Honest Guidance and The Secret You Must Know to Completely Transform Your Relationship to its Highest Potential

You will find a…
FREE chapter of book at www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Hot Tips (Action steps) AND a
FREE teleseminar at www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

Please feel free to ask me your relationship question here.

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