“When one half is very controlling and puts you down, how do you get over NOT wanting to get back with anger (and it fuels…

October 26, 2007

…more anger)?” from a wife
First of all, let me tell you that you are not alone in this. I certainly recognise the feelings from my marriage and most of my clients have too.

Secondly, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with anger…it is a real emotion…it’s how you deal with it that’s important.

When you say “one half” I trust you are referring to one half of the relationship rather than your other half which some people do. Just in case it is the latter and to help others who say this…you are a whole just as you are, your loved one does not make up the other half of you.

Particularly in Chapter 1 (as I do mention it in other chapters) on Becoming More Aware of my Book “Rekindle The Magic In Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” I talk about how you are a unique miracle…how you were seen this way when you were born and how you still are that unique miracle – just bigger.

In my FREE Chapter 2, Being Who We Truly Are, I help you be true to yourself and find or reinforce what and how you want your relationship to be. You are important.

Your loved one may or may not be controlling…remember, as Bob Proctor would say, at the moment it is your perception and you could check it out by asking him. If he is controlling then again he may not realise that he is…however I see that you feel controlled and put down and these are real feelings which he triggers in you. I imagine when he says certain things you are reminded (possibly unconsciously) of a time in the past when you felt these feelings…what was said might have been different but the feeling is the same. In Chapter 8, Relationships and Our Past, I talk about this very thing. Now comes the challenge…

You must own these feelings as your own otherwise you make your loved one far too powerful in your relationship. You are the most important person for you in your relationship so start saying “I” and not “You”…I notice in your question, how you ask “…how do you get over…” when you really mean “…how do I get over…”. Say this to yourself right now…As you say it, I’m sure you’ll find a shift inside you as you take ownership of your anger and how you feel put down and controlled.

The next stage is to own the anger…so rather than, as you say, not getting back with anger, say “I feel put down when you say … … …(whatever it is your loved one says) and that also makes me feel angry” This is enough…you are owning your feelings and letting your loved one know how he is affecting you. You cannot change him…however he can change himself and may do so once he sees you not reacting to him any more but responding and owning your own feelings without blaming him.

You might want to go on and say “and what I would prefer you to say instead is … … …” however you must work out what it is you would like him to say instead.

This may be enough for you. If not, you may find you need to work on letting go of your past relationships…if possible, by telling the person or persons how you have felt, as above, in the past when they have said certain things. Then see them as wonderful and your relationships with them as you would have wanted it to be. Then keep holding that image.

Another good thing is to find the controller in you…where in your life do you control and maybe put someone down…this is hard but I have to tell you when I found my very nasty part that I was accusing a friend of, I was shocked and ashamed and then a certain amount of relief took over…it allowed me to see the other person in a different light.

At the same time, you might want to see your loved one as always loving and kind and thoughtful and caring (or whatever it is you would love him to be all the time).

Oh and one more thing…you must get the anger out and there are various ways mentioned in my book…exercise is a great one, punching pillows however you must see the person as the pillow and you must say out loud what you are angry about. You might want to write about it and how you feel, you might want to draw it…be creative.

There is a lot here and it is all important just as you and your loved one are…if you would like some help, please ask for a consultation

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”. Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

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