“How do we stop reacting to each other?”

October 30, 2007

This is what most of us do and I’m still work in progress. We react because we feel pain inside and we have a wonderful emotional system that wants to save us…so when we feel hurt and pain, we immediately feel angry to protect ourselves…then with the anger we lash out by reacting or retreat into a shell type place which is the equivalent of withdrawing, abandoning the relationship and our loved one.

In my book “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” and my work, I help you to become more aware and notice what is going inside you.

I suggest at times like this, you take a deep breath and stop…don’t say or do anything when you want to react…instead go inside…what is it you are feeling? Then with even more braveness…yes I believe this takes as much courage as climbing Mount Everest because you are dealing with a very delicate part of you…emotions. You will feel vulnerable the minute you open your mouth and say “I feel hurt”. In fact you could follow it up and say “and now I feel vulnerable”…it is the truth…you are being open and honest…you are not blaming…your loved one may not know what to do or say as a result of you responding rather than reacting but he will not feel blamed.

Remember, every time you have an orgasm you feel vulnerable when you let go…it’s the same thing. I know, an orgasm is enjoyable! However just think how much more enjoyable your relationship will be when you take blaming and reacting out of the equation.

By doing this, you change the status quo…you both have to be different…you have dropped what I call the stick that goes back and forth between you. As you continue to respond in this way, you will be teaching (leading) by example and he will gradually do the same…you may need to help each other out with what the feeling might be if this is new to you.

Let me explain, the man in a couple I was working with, admitted that he was not in touch with his emotions because of his family history…he squirmed a lot, however he was willing (a major faculty we have – Will)…his wife wasn’t used to being open with her feelings because she was scared (although she was in touch with them)…again from past experiences. We let so much of the past affect our present moment…it is so important to look at the past, find the learning and growing point, find what we are grateful for (yes, there is always something), let the past go and move on. That is why I talk about visioning what you want your relationship to be like and focusing on that in Chapter 2 of my book…you can download a FREE copy.

We are such complex wonderful creatures and as children we find a way to survive whatever is happening to us and around us…we have no say in it then however we do now. I survived sex abuse as a child…I found a survival kit that helped me through those challenging years. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what I know now…there wasn’t the help that there is now.

I digress…I feel so passionate about all this. So coming back to helping you with what to do or say…you could follow up on “I feel hurt” with what your husband said or did eg “I feel hurt when you ignore me” and then you could follow that up with what you want him to do instead however you need to work that out first eg “I feel hurt when you ignore me and what I would prefer you to do is say how you feel at that moment”. You could then ask him what he did feel in that moment…he may not remember or know but by a little discussion, sensing, imagining and intuiting, he may find the emotion. As you practise this, like everything else, it will get easier…however, practise you must. It’s good to fail because you are acting…doing something different…but to not attempt it is far worse than failure.

In his latter years, Sir Winston Churchill’s whole speech on Success was “Never give up…NEVER GIVE UP… N E V E R   G I V E   U P !”…be persistent…use your Will…be willing to succeed and respond.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”.

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

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