How do I maintain conscious awareness of my wife’s needs?

November 21, 2007

Before I answer your question, I want to check that you are aware of and taking care of your own needs in your relationship because when you have met all your own needs and therefore loving yourself, you will have more to give to your wife.

To become consciously aware of your wife’s needs, you must be consciously aware of your needs.

If you’re not already, start noticing how you feel in all areas…eg…emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually…

Ask yourself the question “What do I want?” in each area and take care of that want…then move out with your awareness to your wife and how she looks, acts and speaks…start to notice what she isn’t saying as well as what she is saying, etc.

You might want to ask yourself, “How can I support her?” Better still, ask your wife…talk to her about it. Your question is a need/want of yours so be willing to ask your wife and encourage her to tell you. Remember, she may not know to begin with however in time she will.

By telling your wife what your needs are and how you want her support, you are role modelling, showing her that if it’s OK for you, it’s OK for her to do the same.

One of things many women do, including me I’m embarrassed to say, is expect our loved one’s to be mind readers…quite often if you try to work it out for yourself, you could make the wrong assumption and I talk a lot about this in my book “Rekindle the Magic In Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” …I know you have a copy. Don’t make assumptions…always check out what you think is happening or what you think your wife wants.

Make time to sit down and talk each day…this is powerful…

To make it even more powerful…take it in turns to speak what you feel, want and need…what’s going on for each of you…where you are…where you’re going. It doesn’t have to be all of this…it may only be one thing.

You will become more consciously aware as you do this exercise together…

The person not speaking, must listen…be present…no interruption…don’t be tempted to say something…don’t be tempted to nod your head or shake it…

As you listen, look at her…take in all of her…what is her body saying…what are her eyes saying…what is she really saying…what isn’t she saying?

Then when each of you have said what you need to say (time it…at least 2 min each to start with) then feed back to each other what you heard and felt…again really listening to each other with the whole of yourselves…don’t interrupt etc…be open to the feedback and notice how you feel when you are really seen and heard. Again, take the same amount of time (at least 2 min each).

After this you can each say how that was for you… maybe what you learnt…what you gained…what you’ve realised…what you’re going to do…how you’re going to be…whatever it is for you in that moment.

It’s wonderful that you want to be consciously aware of your wife’s needs and you will be the more you become more consciously aware of your own needs and you Communicate Effectively (a chapter in my book) with your wife.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at

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