How can I change my wife – need to be in control or is there a way for me to give up my need to be in control?

November 27, 2007

I believe you know the answer…in fact you seem to be answering your question in part.

You cannot change your wife, only she can do that and only if she wants to.

However I believe she will change if you change…or is it that when you change, she appears different to you? It doesn’t matter as long as it works.

Being in control is not wrong…you just need to be completely in control of yourself…not your wife.

It’s about loving yourself enough to let go of your need for her to be a certain way…
Start focusing on yourself…start becoming aware of what you feel immediately before you want your wife to do or say something differently…notice where you feel it in your body…

This may be a challenge but start loving that part of your body…
Notice the emotion and own it…admit it to yourself first…
Then tell your wife “I feel…(whatever the emotion is)…
I imagine you might feel angry but I also imagine you might feel hurt underneath the anger.

Quite often when we have a need to control (and believe you me, I was a controller once and still have to watch myself) we are polarising away from a very vulnerable feeling…our anger defends that vulnerable part of us…

You, like me, probably had to do this to protect yourself when you were younger…that was extremely necessary and the way you had to survive and I have to say “Well done you” because you’re still here and you did survive…many of us need to develop a survival kit in order to grow up and not wither away and die.

However when we do grow up this survival kit gets in the way of an open, loving, unconditional relationship…we really don’t need the kit anymore but it’s become a habit that is hard to let go of…

In order to let go of it, you have to be prepared to become vulnerable…this is a real challenge, as that vulnerable feeling is what you were protecting with your control.

I would suggest that to begin with, you just start to really become aware of yourself in a new way…start owning to yourself your vulnerable hurt, painful feelings (for some these feelings are joy and love…they are not always sadness, etc)…by this I mean saying to yourself…”OK I feel angry…why do I feel angry, what’s underneath this anger”…start noticing that…it might be “I feel hurt”…

Your wife did not hurt you…only you can feel this for yourself…what she did was said or did something that reminded you of a past experience and feeling which you don’t like…

I would like to suggest that as soon as you feel able to, start telling your wife “I feel….(hurt maybe or whatever that vulnerable feeling is)”

This is not easy however, by asking the question you are on your way…keep going and as Winston Churchill said…NEVER GIVE UP!

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your

Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s