Blog Talk Radio Show

December 19, 2007

I was interestingly interviewed on the Blog Talk Radio Show on 11 December and I thought you might be interested in watching the video that was creatively made by David Ewen of Blog Talk Radio Show fame:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ewenprime … date and time 12/12/207 02.00

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

I’m delighted that you want to “Respond”…this is such an important way of being with anyone when they challenge us and it is really difficult to respond and not react. Even if you don’t manage it all the time, keep practising because it will pay off in the end.

I imagine your partner could be afraid of being Wrong and probably feels insecure and probably does not have a lot of self-worth even if they seem to have loads of it.

Arguing isn’t useful, nor is any reaction to what they say…you are both right…you are right for you and they are right for them!

You are both different and you will have differences of opinion…it is really important for you both to allow each other to have a different opinion and let it go.

At the same time, it is important that you are considered by your partner as I imagine you consider them.

Listen to them…if they go on for a long time interject and ask how they are feeling…in fact, as you listen to them, notice if they seem angry or another feeling…I imagine they will be feeling hurt and concerned that you will take over even if that isn’t the case…they could be projecting one of their parents on to you who was strong and in control and always right! They may also be mirroring your own lack of self-worth.

You must love you first…you must listen to yourself first…you must do what it takes to love you.

When speaking with your partner, always stay calm…speak from your heart and not your emotions or your head…say “I feel …(whatever the emotion is and I imagine you feel hurt)” I would want to say “I feel hurt and that makes me want to protect myself by getting angry with you when you always want to be right and won’t even listen to me”…you might want to use your own words. Then ask them to listen to you as you have listened to them (of course, you must have already really heard them first).

If you have a copy of my book, there is a great exercise in Chapter 2, Being Who We Truly Are…start thinking about how you want your partner to be…think of someone in a film, play or book that would be the ideal model…notice what their qualities are and how they are with their partner.

Step into being that person’s partner and notice how you feel and how wonderful it is to feel really heard, respected and loved.

Now make that feeling bigger…and now make that feeling bigger still…really breathe into this wonderful feeling…notice how you are holding yourself, how you are standing or sitting, etc… really take notice of all the details.

Start imaging how you want your relationship to be with your partner…really see them discussing things with you and being with you in the way you truly want them to be… and you truly want to be treated… and how you truly want to be in the relationship.

Keep holding the image and say an affirmation…either the one in Chapter 2 or maybe “I am so happy and grateful now that I am in a wonderful, loving, caring, considerate relationship with ……(the name of your partner) in increasing quantities, through multiple sources on a continuous basis.” Choose the words that seem right for you and remember to use “considerate” or something that means the same because I imagine you want to be considered as you say that you see your loved one as needing to always be right.

Things will change…you just have to start the ball rolling.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your

life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

This is one of the differences between men and women and therefore one of the challenges of having a loving, intimate and sexual relationship. And I don’t want to blanket men and women in this way because I do know that this does vary and can sometimes be the other way around.

So whoever wants to have sex and not make love, please read carefully and vice versa…I am going to refer to the man wanting sex and the woman wanting the emotional part too as this question is in that format.

I imagine your husband feels desperate in some way…step into his shoes and notice what and how you feel as him “grabbing” you…as I do this, I feel his desperation that he might be losing you, that you might no longer want him sexually, that you don’t find him attractive any more. Reassure him that you do love him and want him.

In fact, I would praise your husband for what he does well eg maybe he kisses you in the way you like. If you can’t find anything that he does well when you have sex, tell him what he does well in another area of your life together. This shows him that you do appreciate him and love him. Remember sex can make us all feel very vulnerable…men as well, afterall, he is at his most vulnerable when he orgasms just as you are. Just because he seems to want sex in a more basic way, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel very vulnerable at the moment of orgasm.

Notice how you are acting…are you trying to avoid him intimately, are you being sexy with him, are you communicating in other ways, are you loving towards him, are you more gentle or harsh than you used to be…really be honest with yourself and own what you are doing or not doing. It would be very brave of you and at the same time, very powerful to tell your husband what you’ve noticed you’re doing and how you want to change being that way.

This subject is sensitive and you are asking him to be sensitive with you by bringing in the “emotional part as well”. So show him how sensitive you can be…be a good role model. Tell him how much you love him and how you want sex to work well in your relationship. I have a whole chapter, Making Love Work, on this subject in my book.

It is important to tell your husband what you want…I’ve heard many say “But he/she should know” and I am ashamed to say that I heard myself say it too. I’ve also heard and said embarrssingly, “But it should be natural…they should do it because they want to.” However, if I was to ask you how you learned to walk, would you say “well I just knew what to do and I did it naturally”…I don’t think so.

When you were born you learned how to do everything from those around you…I do believe we used our intuiton more when we were younger…but everything else was learned by watching those around you and trying to copy…you probably held someone’s hand, held on to the furniture, fell down…you didn’t give up though, because you wanted to do what “They” were doing “Walking”.

It’s the same here…show your husband what you want as well as telling him…ask him if he’s willing to do what you want and be the way you want him to be when having sex. Ask him what he wants you to do and how he wants you to be…this is a two-way act of love/sex.

Suggest that you have some fun with it…laugh at yourself…never at him…laugh with him.  Bring play into your sex life. Get away from the seriousness of what has happened…start again, right now.

Remember how it was in the beginning…of course, that’s if it was good then. Remember a film where you saw a couple making love the way you want to make love…become an actress and step into that role of the woman making love…feel what that’s like, notice your physical feelings and your emotional ones…notice if you’re doing anything different that you could learn from.

You can always fantasise, imagine being with your favourite movie star, maybe. You can do this before making love and/or during making love.

There are no rights or wrongs…it’s whatever is best for you and your loved one.

However, communicate, you must, otherwise you will lose out on what could be the most wonderful sex-life ever. See yourself as having that wonderful sex-life ever…feel it and go for it.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

This is a great question because it seems to be a challenge for many couples and I’m often asked something similar.

If you can remember what it was like when you first met and/or were first living together, then you have started the process of maintaining the “New”.

What do I mean by this? Using all or some of your senses (ie hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, touching and hearing) and all your faculties (ie imagination, memory, will, intuition, perception and reason) to build a picture or sense of what you had at the beginning, maybe changing it if you feel (intuit and perceive) that it would benefit from change, using your will to hold that image and or sense (not everyone can see a picture) and really bringing it into your whole being with your senses, reason and body.

So…go back to that time when your relationship was “New” with your imagination and your memory…get a vivid image using all or some or one of the above senses…

Now, I would invite you to step into yourself in the memory…be as that memory of yourself would be…either standing, sitting, etc.

Notice how you feel (yes really be an actor stepping into a role on a stage and feel it in the present) especially your emotions.

What do you see…where are you…what does your loved one look like, what is he wearing,

What do you look like, what are you wearing, especially what you have on your feet, etc?

What do you hear…what is happening around you, what are you saying, what is your loved one saying, etc?

What do you smell…maybe your perfume, his aftershave/cologne, hair, clothes, maybe what’s in the environment like flowers, etc?

What can you taste…if you’re by the sea maybe you can taste the salty air, you loved one’s skin, lips, etc?

What can you touch…your clothes, your loved one’s clothes, nature, furniture, etc?

You may want to change a few things or your may want to add a few things.

Now make all this bigger…breathe it into your whole being…feel yourself expand as you make the experience bigger.

Now make it bigger still and again breathe it into yourself…expand and feel the experience even more so.

Hold this…the image, feelings, emotions, etc.

Know, that you can recall this whenever you want to…in fact, do this everyday…just tune into it, step into it and really feel what it’s like to be feeling that “New” in your relationship.

As you focus on this and feel it as often as you can…as many times a day as you are able to…the more it will come back…you will find ways to being as you were then (with the changes if necessary).

Enjoy this…

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php