How Can I Explain to My Husband that it Doesn’t Turn Me on When He “grabs” at Me – That I Need The Emotional Part as Well?

December 13, 2007

This is one of the differences between men and women and therefore one of the challenges of having a loving, intimate and sexual relationship. And I don’t want to blanket men and women in this way because I do know that this does vary and can sometimes be the other way around.

So whoever wants to have sex and not make love, please read carefully and vice versa…I am going to refer to the man wanting sex and the woman wanting the emotional part too as this question is in that format.

I imagine your husband feels desperate in some way…step into his shoes and notice what and how you feel as him “grabbing” you…as I do this, I feel his desperation that he might be losing you, that you might no longer want him sexually, that you don’t find him attractive any more. Reassure him that you do love him and want him.

In fact, I would praise your husband for what he does well eg maybe he kisses you in the way you like. If you can’t find anything that he does well when you have sex, tell him what he does well in another area of your life together. This shows him that you do appreciate him and love him. Remember sex can make us all feel very vulnerable…men as well, afterall, he is at his most vulnerable when he orgasms just as you are. Just because he seems to want sex in a more basic way, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel very vulnerable at the moment of orgasm.

Notice how you are acting…are you trying to avoid him intimately, are you being sexy with him, are you communicating in other ways, are you loving towards him, are you more gentle or harsh than you used to be…really be honest with yourself and own what you are doing or not doing. It would be very brave of you and at the same time, very powerful to tell your husband what you’ve noticed you’re doing and how you want to change being that way.

This subject is sensitive and you are asking him to be sensitive with you by bringing in the “emotional part as well”. So show him how sensitive you can be…be a good role model. Tell him how much you love him and how you want sex to work well in your relationship. I have a whole chapter, Making Love Work, on this subject in my book.

It is important to tell your husband what you want…I’ve heard many say “But he/she should know” and I am ashamed to say that I heard myself say it too. I’ve also heard and said embarrssingly, “But it should be natural…they should do it because they want to.” However, if I was to ask you how you learned to walk, would you say “well I just knew what to do and I did it naturally”…I don’t think so.

When you were born you learned how to do everything from those around you…I do believe we used our intuiton more when we were younger…but everything else was learned by watching those around you and trying to copy…you probably held someone’s hand, held on to the furniture, fell down…you didn’t give up though, because you wanted to do what “They” were doing “Walking”.

It’s the same here…show your husband what you want as well as telling him…ask him if he’s willing to do what you want and be the way you want him to be when having sex. Ask him what he wants you to do and how he wants you to be…this is a two-way act of love/sex.

Suggest that you have some fun with it…laugh at yourself…never at him…laugh with him.  Bring play into your sex life. Get away from the seriousness of what has happened…start again, right now.

Remember how it was in the beginning…of course, that’s if it was good then. Remember a film where you saw a couple making love the way you want to make love…become an actress and step into that role of the woman making love…feel what that’s like, notice your physical feelings and your emotional ones…notice if you’re doing anything different that you could learn from.

You can always fantasise, imagine being with your favourite movie star, maybe. You can do this before making love and/or during making love.

There are no rights or wrongs…it’s whatever is best for you and your loved one.

However, communicate, you must, otherwise you will lose out on what could be the most wonderful sex-life ever. See yourself as having that wonderful sex-life ever…feel it and go for it.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at

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