You are right…you must maintain your integrity and never compromise your true self…stay true to who you are.

In Chapter 2 of my book, Being Who We Truly Are, you will see how I encourage you to vision what you really want your relationship to look like and keep holding the vision even when you are challenged by your husband. There is a complete exercise to follow through with. Not only will you find this chapter in my book but you can get it for free when you sign up for my Weekly Advice and Action Steps.

I want you to hold the vision, as I’ve said, and to step into the role of you in the vision…see what it feels like when you actually have the relationship how you want it to be…then start being that person in real life.

At the same time, you must use “I” statements and say how you feel emotionally when you want to discuss something with your husband…it will go something like this…”I feel angry/hurt/sad/enraged/pain/miserable/confused/etc when you say/do … and what I would prefer you to say/do is …”

 Of course you can use the good feelings when you praise him and are grateful for other things he does/says. This is imperative…you and I thrive on gratitude, praise and love…in fact babies die if they don’t get love.

It doesn’t matter how small it is, thank him and tell him how good you feel…washing the dishes, digging the garden, wiping his feet, putting the top on the toothpaste…thank him…even hugging you, taking notice of you, etc.

Staying with you is the only way, whether your husband has a delicate male ego or not.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

This is a tricky question because you could so very easily hurt his feelings. 

Before I answer it, I would like to say something which I believe will help your relationship too.  Your question is not about you and yet of course I know it is…you know you are the most important person in your relationship for you…so it is really important that you speak about you.

So, you could have said “I don’t like the way my guy kisses me…how can I communicate this to him without hurting his feelings and teach him how to kiss me?” Please empower yourself by starting your sentences with “I”. 

Now the question…although I have enjoyed most of my men’s kisses, there have been times when I haven’t…I don’t know about you, but I like different ways of kissing which suit the time, place and mood…maybe the mood has more to do with me than to do with the environment.

I love being kissed passionately and hard …at times I love being kissed very tenderly, with hardly the lips touching…I also love various ways in the middle. It is the two extremes I sometimes have had to address. I remember being kissed passionately and hard and feeling really turned off…I would have preferred soft and hardly at all, just a brush of the lips maybe…what I said was “Wooo” (like when you say to a horse “Wooo Neddy”) and whispered (just like a horse whisperer) “Gently… gently” pushing him very gently for a fraction of space (I mean fraction) so I was still in that intimate, passionate position and then I showed him how by doing what I wanted to him. It worked…I got what I wanted by giving it first…he was not hurt and learnt very quickly.

Of course, what you want may be different, however you can apply the technique of staying very close and whispering what you want in some way or if you want your kiss passionate and hard, pull him towards you roughly and kiss him hard…I think he’ll get the message.

If it’s in between, then think of what I’ve said and stay close and show him…no need to say anything really. You are allowed to take the initiative and if he doesn’t like you doing this talk about it.

If it doesn’t work, then kissing is a very intimate thing and you might want to just talk to him openly. Do it in the way that I suggested at the beginning of this blog…by staying with yourself…saying how you feel eg “I feel….when you kiss me like that and I would prefer it if you…” Being open and honest and staying with you and your feelings is the only way to go.

Enjoy your kissing…I think it’s really important in a relationship…for me it’s like having sex mouth to mouth.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

I imagine you’re both very strong people and feel the need to be “Top Dog”. One of the outcomes of competing is that neither of you end up as “Top Dog”, hence your question for this blog…as I imagine you don’t feel good when you have a sense that your loved one is competing with you or even when you know you are competing with her.

The most important thing to do is to stay with you…it is important not to accuse your loved one of competing…

Investigate… become aware of how you feel emotionally and where you feel it in your body…
Then you can say something like “I feel tense and angry when you say (or do) that”…
You might want to follow this up with “and what I’d prefer you to say (or do) is ….” however you need to know what this is, so really think with you heart here and not your head…I’m sure you have a wonderful brain but at these times it’s useful to pretend to cut off your head and just speak and think from your heart, difficult as that may be.

Another powerful thing to do would be to…

Stand in her shoes,
Become an actor,
Stand as she does,
Get a feel for what might be going on for her…she may be reacting to something you have said or done
Then you could say that you imagine she feels whatever that may be…this stops any blame
At the same time, you could (if it’s true) say that it wasn’t your intention to make her feel that way
Say what you really meant
However if you consciously meant to say (or do) what you said (or did) then you must admit that too… it’s so important to own what you are saying and doing…even if you feel vulnerable doing so
Then ask her what she would prefer you to say or do….give her time to really be sure what she wants
Be careful here, because women (and I’m one of course), can expect you men to mind read us…so if she says she doesn’t know or even angrily says something like “You should know”…explain that you are not a mind reader and that you want to be considerate…of course this doesn’t mean you have to please her all the time…it’s more about saying what you want to say in a creative way, rather than being competitive.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

Growing in different directions can be a challenge…as is this time of the year…Christmas is challenging to most relationships.

Maintaining balance is important for everyone…you must make time for each other, no matter what direction you are growing in. How can you do this?

I’m sure you make time for “making love”… however, if you don’t, make sure you do. Everyone wants to be at least sensually touched even if they don’t necessarily need or want sex at a given time. Check out with with you loved one how he is feeling and what his needs and wants are. It is important to talk about it and to say what your needs and wants are too. When I was married to my ex-husband this was something I was not good at…saying what I needed or wanted…I thought it should all happen naturally…we loved each other and therefore it would be good. No, I was wrong and our sex life was not good for me or him. I didn’t realise then, how important it is to talk about “making love”. Unfortunately, he was tempted to to go in a “different direction” with someone else for “making love”.

This “talking” will help you maintain balance in your relationship…do it regularly…every day…good communication in any relationship is important…ask your loved one how they are feeling, what they want and make sure you say how you’re feeling and what you want. I’ve written many times about this following exercise which you will also find in my book along with many other useful exercises, ideas, affirmations, quotes etc…

Set aside at least 12 mins…start with this…I’m sure you’ll find it so useful, you’ll want to increase when you can.

Sit opposite each other, if possible (sometimes and if necessary ie because of travelling, this could be done on the telephone…be creative but do it)…one of you starts by saying for 2 mins how you feel emotionally and physically, what’s going on for you and in your life with your loved one and outside of your relationship…remember, if you have 2 mins that this might seem long but in fact it’s quite short so make sure you say what really needs to be said…

The other partner sits and really listens…is completely present, physically and emotionally…really look at your partner…don’t agree or disagree, in fact, don’t say anything, don’t nod or shake your head…just sit and really hear what each other has to say.

After 2 mins, swap over.

After 2 mins, one gives the other feedback for 2 mins…as you receive the feedback, just listen. The feedback can consist of what you heard, what you saw, what you felt emotionally and physically as you listened…whatever might be relevant to the other partner.

After 2 mins, swap over.

After 2 mins do a general sharing for about 2 – 4 mins…to begin with, you might want to say how the exercise was for you and more of how your felt emotionally and physically…whatever seems relevant.

You might find it useful to talk about how it is for you to feel that you’re growing in different directions…discuss it…find a way to keep your relationship alive and in balance.

A big part of keeping a good balance is to exercise…if you can, maybe you could do this together…if you go to the gym, even

if you use different equipment, you might want to go together if you can. This will keep you fit and your relationship fit too. I

have always found exercise a great way to get out of my mind…sometimes I go for a run when I am stuck with something be it a feeling or work or a relationship and when I return, I always feel better in myself, I feel more invigorated for work and I know what I need to know with regard to a relationship issue. So make time at least 3 or 4 times a week. Remember, it doesn’t have to be for long…all exercise is good to find space for… however your heart is very important… so make sure you do something aerobic for at least 20 mins, 3 or 4 times a week.

Play together in some way…

…go for a walk
…watch a film you both want to see…
…go to the theatre if you both like it
…go to an art galarie if you both want this
…spend a day or a weekend away
…go out for dinner at least once a week
…if you both like a sport, watch it
…cook
…list all the things you could do to play together and then do them.

Find a way of having fun together…humour is really important where balance is concerned and great for the endorphines…

…laugh at yourself
…laugh with your partner but never at them

I don’t like funfairs but they are wonderful for the endorphines too if you like a good scream!

If you’re both creative, build something or make something together.

I really trust I have interpreted your question correctly…if I haven’t please enlarge upon your question or ask me a different way.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php