How Do We Take the Competition Out of Our Relationship?

January 8, 2008

I imagine you’re both very strong people and feel the need to be “Top Dog”. One of the outcomes of competing is that neither of you end up as “Top Dog”, hence your question for this blog…as I imagine you don’t feel good when you have a sense that your loved one is competing with you or even when you know you are competing with her.

The most important thing to do is to stay with you…it is important not to accuse your loved one of competing…

Investigate… become aware of how you feel emotionally and where you feel it in your body…
Then you can say something like “I feel tense and angry when you say (or do) that”…
You might want to follow this up with “and what I’d prefer you to say (or do) is ….” however you need to know what this is, so really think with you heart here and not your head…I’m sure you have a wonderful brain but at these times it’s useful to pretend to cut off your head and just speak and think from your heart, difficult as that may be.

Another powerful thing to do would be to…

Stand in her shoes,
Become an actor,
Stand as she does,
Get a feel for what might be going on for her…she may be reacting to something you have said or done
Then you could say that you imagine she feels whatever that may be…this stops any blame
At the same time, you could (if it’s true) say that it wasn’t your intention to make her feel that way
Say what you really meant
However if you consciously meant to say (or do) what you said (or did) then you must admit that too… it’s so important to own what you are saying and doing…even if you feel vulnerable doing so
Then ask her what she would prefer you to say or do….give her time to really be sure what she wants
Be careful here, because women (and I’m one of course), can expect you men to mind read us…so if she says she doesn’t know or even angrily says something like “You should know”…explain that you are not a mind reader and that you want to be considerate…of course this doesn’t mean you have to please her all the time…it’s more about saying what you want to say in a creative way, rather than being competitive.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at

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