This sort of question comes up a lot, so it’s good to answer it here…

One of the best ways I know, is to bring the memory of the relationship you had before children back into your mind so that it is real…bring it to consciousness in full colour and with all the actions and the spoken words and step into the person you were back then as if you’re an actor stepping into a role on stage…really be who you were then…act as you do in the memory and don’t leave anything out.

Children really take over and that is important when they’re babies and very young children…even when they’re older it is important to listen to them and help them develop…however, not at the expense of yourselves.

Unfortunately, many women do as I did. I made my children my life to the expense of myself and my marriage. The interesting thing is that the more I gave, the more they took and demanded…I’ve had to learn to say “not just now” or “maybe another day” or “I can sit down with you at 6pm”.

Not only do relationships suffer but we the parent and individual suffers…we stop making ourselves important…we talk more about the children…we make time for them and not ourselves.

So, it is important to make time in your busy lives to do the things you love to do together…these may have changed since before children, for whatever reason…but do what you do love to do together…no excuses…just do them.

And don’t forget that foreplay just immediately before sex…it is during your whole time together…a little kiss here…a hug there…an “I love you” here…a loving note there…a loving text…a loving email…a loving phone call.

What’s loving?

Telling your loved one you love them…telling them why you love them…think of all the good qualities about your loved one and tell them. Gratitude is another loving thing to do and extremely important…even if you’ve set up a system where you do certain jobs and your loved one does certain jobs…be grateful that they do theirs…be grateful for the smallest thing…you don’t have to gush…”Thank you” can be enough…”Thank you for doing …”…”Thanks for saying that”…etc.

You’re a man, so take your wife out…be in charge but not in control…suggest something and see if she wants to do that…if she does then, book it…if she doesn’t then ask her what she would like to do. This is important for men…to be in charge but not control…take care of your loved one…be Sir Walter Raleigh and lay your cloak over a puddle and carry her over it…get between her and the dragon…open the door for her to walk through first…don’t let her walk home on her own at night. Equality is important but so is it important to be chivalrous. However if you don’t want to do what your loved one suggests, say so in a loving way and find something you both want to do.

If you’re a woman reading this…it’s OK to be a woman…I love it…give yourself permission to fill your bag…it’s what we do…let your loved one be in charge and feel free to suggest things…always be true to you and say if you don’t want to do something or not…there are plenty of things you can do together. Make sure you stop housework for your loved one and the washing up and make time for your loved one…this was something I didn’t do and it was a mistake…I was always too tired.

Sit down together and really find out what you both like and would enjoy together.

Communicate…communicate…communicate.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Peace Negotiator, Mediator and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Relationship Expert gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

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I have been asked this question:

With 3 kids and a business, I feel our relationship gets neglected –- any practical tips on how we can make time for each other in our hectic lives?
 
My Answer to the question is:

You must organise your time so that you work flat-out during your work time…you give your full attention to your children in their time and you must make time for them…you give your full attention to your husband and you must make time for him. Try to keep each of these separate…now we all know how challenging this can be, especially where human-beings are concerned and even more so when children are involved.

In my book “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”, I talk about how important it is to give your full attention to your loved one. We are all capable to multi-tasking and us women tend to do it. While this can be excellent in some areas, it is not when you are spending time with your loved-one.

We all want to be seen and heard…why do you think this is?

Because we feel important to the person we are with…that’s why counselling can be so powerful…by just the fact that, as a counsellor/relationship coach, I am there for my client all the time…watching, listening…really hearing, noticing my emotions, how my body feels, noticing their body, what they are saying, what they are doing and using my intuition…asking “what’s not being said”…reading between the lines.

When we were babies, we needed our mothers or carers to do that for us…some of us were lucky to get that…some were not…through no fault of the mother’s or carer’s (although I don’t think a carer has the natural intuition that a mother has with her baby, if she did but know it…especially mother and daughter…even now that my daughter is 26 I can still intuit that I must phone her, even though what I think I must phone her about isn’t the real reason, as I find out when I speak with her…she needs a listening ear and hasn’t thought to phone me or was just about to phone me).

Your husband and you are no different…I’m sure both of you want this level of attention…I know I do. So quality time is more important than time which is spent multi-tasking with them as one of the tasks! It’s almost better to spend just 5 mins with your loved one where you give them your all than to spend an hour where you are doing other things as well.

So plan out your day…set time aside for your children and set time aside for your loved one…then you must use your Will (one of your faculties) to make sure you keep to it…ok, timetables can sometimes go pear-shaped when emergencies arise but most of the time please keep to it if you want your relationship to be the best it can be.

If you don’t…what’s your worst case scenario? Now you know what it is, don’t focus on it but find the polar opposite…what’s your most wonderful case scenario? Hold that image and focus on it as many times during each day as you can. This is what you’re aiming for in your relationship. Don’t let it go…you can achieve it…I know you can.

It is too easy to say, “I’m too busy for love”…”I’m too busy for making love”…”I’m too busy to stop and listen”…”I’m too busy to tell you how I feel”.

Instead, say, “I always have time for love”…”I always have time for making love”…”I always have time to stop and listen”…”I always have time to tell you how I feel”.

Now, do it…I know you can.

Here’s to you loving and taking for your loved one.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”  and the Love Wizard Providing Honest Guidance and The Secret You Must Know to Completely Transform Your Relationship to its Highest Potential

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Balancing Business and Love

September 21, 2007

I have been asked this question:

How can you increase intimacy when two people who love each other loads, have heavy workloads, and their brains are always focused on the next steps in their business….

My Answer to the question is:

What I think you are saying is…both your businesses and your relationship are important to you…however you are putting all your focus on your businesses at the moment. I suspect you want to increase intimacy and maintain your “always focused on the next steps in their business”…unfortunately that’s not possible…in fact you might not like my answer because I’m going to tell you to take time out for you personally as well as your loved one.

It is so important to take care of yourself while building your business and your relationship…as I read your question, I could feel the pressure you must be under. Something has to give and you don’t want it to be your health, your business or your relationship…

Even if it is only 10 mins to meditate and 40 mins to exercise for yourself…that’s less than 1hr a day…DO IT.

As for your businesses, you must switch the light off, both physically and metaphorically, as you step over the threshold of your office (be it outside the home or at home), close the door and step into your romantic self…and totally focus on you and your loved one.

One exercise you could both do when you come together is sitting down opposite one-another and one of you starts talking about how you feel…maybe you need to offload something about work…it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s important to you…it may be about your relationship.

The other one just listens, says nothing, doesn’t nod or shake their head, just listens with all of themselves…their heart, their ears, their body, their emotions, their mind and their intuition. Set a time limit…you might want to make it 5mins…if that seems too long to begin with…say, 2mins.

Then you swap over and the other one starts talking…do exactly the same thing as above.

At the end, take the same amount of time for each of you to take turns in feeding back to the other…saying what you heard, what you sensed, what you felt emotionally and physically and maybe what you imagined was going on for the other. If necessary, what you feel you could do to help, etc.

At the end of this, take the same amount of time again to discuss it further with each other…then you can get on with your romance and time for you.

Here’s to you loving and taking care of yourself first and then giving unconditional love to your loved one.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” 

Love Wizard Provides Honest Guidance and Reveals The Secret You Must Know to Completely Transform Your Relationship to its Highest Potential

Get your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Hot Tips (Action steps) AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php