“How do we stop reacting to each other?”

This is what most of us do and I’m still work in progress. We react because we feel pain inside and we have a wonderful emotional system that wants to save us…so when we feel hurt and pain, we immediately feel angry to protect ourselves…then with the anger we lash out by reacting or retreat into a shell type place which is the equivalent of withdrawing, abandoning the relationship and our loved one.

In my book “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” and my work, I help you to become more aware and notice what is going inside you.

I suggest at times like this, you take a deep breath and stop…don’t say or do anything when you want to react…instead go inside…what is it you are feeling? Then with even more braveness…yes I believe this takes as much courage as climbing Mount Everest because you are dealing with a very delicate part of you…emotions. You will feel vulnerable the minute you open your mouth and say “I feel hurt”. In fact you could follow it up and say “and now I feel vulnerable”…it is the truth…you are being open and honest…you are not blaming…your loved one may not know what to do or say as a result of you responding rather than reacting but he will not feel blamed.

Remember, every time you have an orgasm you feel vulnerable when you let go…it’s the same thing. I know, an orgasm is enjoyable! However just think how much more enjoyable your relationship will be when you take blaming and reacting out of the equation.

By doing this, you change the status quo…you both have to be different…you have dropped what I call the stick that goes back and forth between you. As you continue to respond in this way, you will be teaching (leading) by example and he will gradually do the same…you may need to help each other out with what the feeling might be if this is new to you.

Let me explain, the man in a couple I was working with, admitted that he was not in touch with his emotions because of his family history…he squirmed a lot, however he was willing (a major faculty we have – Will)…his wife wasn’t used to being open with her feelings because she was scared (although she was in touch with them)…again from past experiences. We let so much of the past affect our present moment…it is so important to look at the past, find the learning and growing point, find what we are grateful for (yes, there is always something), let the past go and move on. That is why I talk about visioning what you want your relationship to be like and focusing on that in Chapter 2 of my book…you can download a FREE copy.

We are such complex wonderful creatures and as children we find a way to survive whatever is happening to us and around us…we have no say in it then however we do now. I survived sex abuse as a child…I found a survival kit that helped me through those challenging years. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what I know now…there wasn’t the help that there is now.

I digress…I feel so passionate about all this. So coming back to helping you with what to do or say…you could follow up on “I feel hurt” with what your husband said or did eg “I feel hurt when you ignore me” and then you could follow that up with what you want him to do instead however you need to work that out first eg “I feel hurt when you ignore me and what I would prefer you to do is say how you feel at that moment”. You could then ask him what he did feel in that moment…he may not remember or know but by a little discussion, sensing, imagining and intuiting, he may find the emotion. As you practise this, like everything else, it will get easier…however, practise you must. It’s good to fail because you are acting…doing something different…but to not attempt it is far worse than failure.

In his latter years, Sir Winston Churchill’s whole speech on Success was “Never give up…NEVER GIVE UP… N E V E R   G I V E   U P !”…be persistent…use your Will…be willing to succeed and respond.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”.

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

“I have had negative relationships in my past – How can I move past these and break down my wall, and…

…trust in my current relationship – I fear being hurt again? I think this fear is hurting my relationship…”

As long as you focus consciously or unconsciously on your past relationships, you cannot move fully into your current relationship. As I explain in the FREE Chapter 2 of my book “Rekindle The Magic In Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”, the more you focus on what you want your current relationship to be like, the more it will be that way. Otherwise it could become similar to the others. When we live in fear, what we’re afraid of, can materialise.

My clients have found it important and useful to find the gifts from past relationships and see what was wonderful or at least good about each boyfriiend, partner, husband. In most cases,  clients have needed to do the same with their parents, particularly the opposite sex parent.

It is also important to go back to a time when each relationship was experienced as good by you…before the relationship changed. Notice how you interacted…what was important to you at the time. Bring this into your relationship now.

And remember a film or a book where a couple interacted in a certain way that you wished was happening to you. Focus on it…embody it…step into the role…feel what it’s like with all your senses, emotions, body and mind…now, imagine your loved one in the scene too and keep bringing this back into your imagination.

Communicating effectively is important…if clients feel angry, they discover that they are quite often covering up hurt. There is always a polar opposite.

However starting with anger is great (or whatever the emotion is)….just say “I feel angry when you do/say … … …(whatever it is they do or say).” You might want to add “and I would prefer it if you would … … …(whatever you want them to do or say)” however you must find out what it is you want them to do/say in order to say this and this can sometimes be challenging. Clients do feel vulnerable but in their vulnerability, they are open to more love and an honest way of being…yes, it is scary and it is important to do it anyway.

If I feel hurt then I say “I feel hurt”. If you do this, you will be taking responsibility for your own feelings and not blaming your loved one. He is not able to hurt you emotionally, only you can do this. However he may not know that his words or actions hurt you. By telling him how you feel, gives him the chance to say what he meant and/or to change what he says or does.

It is also important to act and be the way you want your loved one to be with you. The main focus of my work is in helping clients love themselves first. If you don’t love yourself first in the way you deserve, you won’t attract the love you deserve – Law of Attraction within the relationship. If you love yourself first, you have more to give and the more you give, the more you receive – Law of Giving and Receiving.

I find most people turn the negative feelings in on themselves…so if you are angry you are probably being angry with yourself too. You don’t deserve that any more than your loved one does. It is important to release it through exercise, writing, singing, dancing, drawing, painting, whatever helps…for me something physical is important…I used to play Beethoven on the piano as loud as I could! Be creative.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”.

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

“What is your best idea for a romantic date with My wife?” Joe

I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but I think it’s wonderful that you are wanting to take your wife on a romantic date.

I believe it is always better to do what your wife would consider a romantic date…so I would ask her.

If you want it to be a surprise then I would suggest that you do some research….

Think back to times when she has said, “I’d love to do that” or words to that effect when she’s referring to a romantic idea she’d heard or seen.

Have there been any romantic films or books where there’s been a particular date scene that she felt was romantic?

If you have a teenage or upwards daughter, ask if she knows what your wife would consider a romantic date with you.

Or ask her friends.

Everyone is different. In my book “Rekindle The Magic In Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”, I mention a few things like taking time away from the home…if you can, go away for the weekend or at least a romantic meal for two.

I don’t know who does the cooking in your home but if it is your wife, then, if she’s anything like me and my friends, she’d love a romantic meal out. Find the most romantic restaurant you can…again do some research and visit the restaurant first. However, for me the food is more important…so make sure the food is good. If I had to choose, I would prefer a place that was less romantic but had excellent food…your wife may be different…I have to leave you to decide that.

In my book, I write about how my daughter takes her husband to Chelsea Football Club (one of England’s top football – soccer – clubs) so he can watch the game on the Saturday afternoon while she goes shopping and then they spend the rest of the time together. However the first time she organised this, she went to the match with him because she enjoyed football then. Now she prefers to go shopping instead and he’s very happy with that.

I’m not suggesting you take your wife to a football match but more to give you the idea that you might not want to do something that she wants to do. However, you would really impress her if you organised somewhere she really loves but you do not. So think about what she really would love to do even if you wouldn’t want to do it.

If you go down the route of asking your wife what she considers romantic, you can always do it again later as a surprise. If it’s somewhere like a restaurant or hotel, make sure each time that it is still of the same quality and style or better.

Generally, a woman would love a candlelight dinner for two with flowers and to be pampered…really taken care of. So make sure you are Sir Walter Raleigh on your date…opening doors, carrying her over puddles, making sure she doesn’t put on or take off her own coat, that you let her go in front of you when walking in single file…etc. In fact, I would make sure you did this last bit all the time…so many men seem to have let this go in these times of equality…I know some women have been ungracious when a man has opened a door, etc for them but if I were a man I would continue to do it.

I hope this helps.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”. Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Get your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

“When one half is very controlling and puts you down, how do you get over NOT wanting to get back with anger (and it fuels…

…more anger)?” from a wife
 
First of all, let me tell you that you are not alone in this. I certainly recognise the feelings from my marriage and most of my clients have too.

Secondly, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with anger…it is a real emotion…it’s how you deal with it that’s important.

When you say “one half” I trust you are referring to one half of the relationship rather than your other half which some people do. Just in case it is the latter and to help others who say this…you are a whole just as you are, your loved one does not make up the other half of you.

Particularly in Chapter 1 (as I do mention it in other chapters) on Becoming More Aware of my Book “Rekindle The Magic In Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” I talk about how you are a unique miracle…how you were seen this way when you were born and how you still are that unique miracle – just bigger.

In my FREE Chapter 2, Being Who We Truly Are, I help you be true to yourself and find or reinforce what and how you want your relationship to be. You are important.

Your loved one may or may not be controlling…remember, as Bob Proctor would say, at the moment it is your perception and you could check it out by asking him. If he is controlling then again he may not realise that he is…however I see that you feel controlled and put down and these are real feelings which he triggers in you. I imagine when he says certain things you are reminded (possibly unconsciously) of a time in the past when you felt these feelings…what was said might have been different but the feeling is the same. In Chapter 8, Relationships and Our Past, I talk about this very thing. Now comes the challenge…

You must own these feelings as your own otherwise you make your loved one far too powerful in your relationship. You are the most important person for you in your relationship so start saying “I” and not “You”…I notice in your question, how you ask “…how do you get over…” when you really mean “…how do I get over…”. Say this to yourself right now…As you say it, I’m sure you’ll find a shift inside you as you take ownership of your anger and how you feel put down and controlled.

The next stage is to own the anger…so rather than, as you say, not getting back with anger, say “I feel put down when you say … … …(whatever it is your loved one says) and that also makes me feel angry” This is enough…you are owning your feelings and letting your loved one know how he is affecting you. You cannot change him…however he can change himself and may do so once he sees you not reacting to him any more but responding and owning your own feelings without blaming him.

You might want to go on and say “and what I would prefer you to say instead is … … …” however you must work out what it is you would like him to say instead.

This may be enough for you. If not, you may find you need to work on letting go of your past relationships…if possible, by telling the person or persons how you have felt, as above, in the past when they have said certain things. Then see them as wonderful and your relationships with them as you would have wanted it to be. Then keep holding that image.

Another good thing is to find the controller in you…where in your life do you control and maybe put someone down…this is hard but I have to tell you when I found my very nasty part that I was accusing a friend of, I was shocked and ashamed and then a certain amount of relief took over…it allowed me to see the other person in a different light.

At the same time, you might want to see your loved one as always loving and kind and thoughtful and caring (or whatever it is you would love him to be all the time).

Oh and one more thing…you must get the anger out and there are various ways mentioned in my book…exercise is a great one, punching pillows however you must see the person as the pillow and you must say out loud what you are angry about. You might want to write about it and how you feel, you might want to draw it…be creative.

There is a lot here and it is all important just as you and your loved one are…if you would like some help, please ask for a consultation

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”. Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Get your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

“How can I Learn to Let Go of My Past Relationship so My New Relationship can Grow?” Paulina

When you start reading my book, “Rekindle The Magic In Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” you will see that there is a chapter on this called Relationships and Our Past. However as some of you reading this may not have bought my book yet…

First of all it is important to keep seeing your loved one as them and noone else…no matter what they say or do that might remind you of previous relationships…. they are not any of them…so check out what your loved one means by what he says or does…if you still feel angry, hurt, unloved, unimportant, uncared for, etc then say “I feel….(whatever the emotion is) when you say/do that.” You might also want to follow up with “and what I would prefer you to say/do is ……”

Unless we check things out, assumptions can get us into all sorts of trouble…I have put a great story in the book that shows this.

In my book I talk about how before and in my marriage I was focusing on not wanting a husband like my father…I was wrong…

As I say in my book, many clients have found it challenging to think of what they do want…they can very readily say “I don’t want….”

Find what was the learning and growing point from your previous relationship and be grateful for that. Find all the good things about your previous man and the relationship itself because you want to keep all these in your current relationship. It is only the bits you don’t want that you need to let go of.

It is IMPERATIVE that you focus on what you do want not what you don’t want…however by saying what you don’t want is a great start because then you can find the polar opposite – what you DO WANT. Once you have it, keep focusing on what you do want and no longer look at what you don’t want.

Build a picture of what you want and make very clear…step into the picture as if an actor on the stage…embody what you want with all your senses.

This will help.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”. Internationally

recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Get your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

“How Do We Find Time to Spend Together in the Midst of A Busy Lifestyle – Work, Building a Business, Children, etc?” Pamela

“How Do We Find Time to Spend Together in the Midst of A Busy Lifestyle – Work, Building a Business, Children, Housework, etc?” Pamela

You have to make time…it really is important to do this and I’m sure you know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking this question.

Start visioning yourself spending time together…

What do you both enjoy?
Where to you both like to go?

There may be other questions you could ask yourself.

Whatever the answers are, make a list of them and start seeing yourself and your loved one doing and enjoying those things.

Step into the picture/vision and feel the emotions you would have doing and enjoying these things…notice how your body feels as well…notice what you’re wearing and what you have on your feet…what can you smell, taste, touch, hear…embody everything through your senses.

The “How” will take care of itself when you see it as a MUST.

On the practical side…allocate time to work, building a business, housework, etc…if you work from home, make sure you close the door behind you at a certain time…employ a cleaner. These ideas might not fit for you however they may give you something to think about. But you must do something different…doing the same, will only achieve the same results.

Although wonderful, children do challenge a relationship, especially time together alone…depending on their ages, maybe arrange a day (or a weekend would be even better) when each of them can spend that time with a friend (and their family, if necessary) or with your family or your loved one’s, if they don’t live too far away. At the very least, get a babysitter and go out for the evening.

I believe it is important to spend time away from the home and workplace. Otherwise it is very easy to get caught up in the everyday stuff.

Before I had children, my husband and I would sit in the car and talk or go to a restaurant because once we got inside the house, other things took over. After we had our wonderful children, it all went wrong…we didn’t make the time…I certainly put the children first. There are times when we have to put them first and we must take time out for ourselves.

I hope this helps.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”. Internationally

recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Get your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

“How Can I Start a Relationship that Will Last?” Carla

By being yourself, loving yourself and making yourself important…
and this goes for anyone already in a relationship too.

It’s doing what you want to do, that is, choosing to spend time
with your loved one and putting energy into it. In fact I would suggest
you put energy into your life on your own as well as with your loved one…

Be who you truly are, have a vision of what you really want and
how you want your relationship to be.

What are the qualities you want in your loved one?
Now make sure these qualities are really well developed in you.

What are your values? What’s important to you?

Take care of yourself and feel good about yourself. This means
exercise, good food etc. If you want your loved one to take care of you
you must show him (or her) that YOU care about yourself.

Feel grateful for all the friends you have in your life right now.
As you fill up with your love you have
more love to give your friends and family

Smile at people, yes, even strangers as you walk down the streeet…
that is giving of yourself

Communicate well with everyone. Always come from “I feel…”

Just remember the Law of Attraction…love yourself and love will come to you.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”. Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Get your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

How Do I Get My Wife to Hug Me?

Ask Your Number One Question About Your Relationship below…

Today’s Question is:

The problem is that my wife won’t hug or touch me…she wasn’t given that sort of love as a child…what can I do?

My Answer is:

You can’t make your wife hug or touch you lovingly, especially as she is not used to it. However you can hug and touch her, if she will let you…even if you get nothing back.

The most important thing for you to do is hug and touch yourself lovingly. This may seem strange however it is very important that we give to ourselves what we want from others. It also goes very nicely with looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you love you. It is important tht you know you are loved.

When you start giving more to yourself, you’ll have more hugs and touches to give others…of course, this has to be appropriate…but you can always send an imaginary hug and touch to anyone, including your wife. That person will unconsciously accept it if they want to receive it or unconsciously reject it if they don’t.

I imagine your wife has been crying out for love all her life and probably feels unloved and cared for because she can’t give it to herself, you or others. She will probably blame you, if she hasn’t already done so, for being unloving.

So by doing all that you possibly can to love yourself first and then her, regardless of what happens, you will know that, whatever she says or does, you are doing everything you can for your relationship. However, only do this because you want to give…not because you want to get back…this is crucial.

You know, a loving smile is like a hug and a touch…we touch our loved ones and others when we smile at them.

Stop reading this and look in the mirror…smile at yourself…imagine you’re receiving that smile…I bet you want to smile right back…now I imagine the original smile is even bigger.

A loving smile is indeed a connection…if you need the physical touch then you must get it from yourself first and I believe you will then get it from, hopefully, your wife and others.

While looking in the mirror, put your hands on either side of your face as if you are cupping your face in them and smile lovingly at yourself. Notice what you feel emotionally…you may have tears…whatever it is, just stay with the feelings. Notice what you feel physically…get all the pleasure you can from it…

I use my hands like this when I’m healing…you are healing yourself. It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself to be a healer or not, you are healing you…you are putting things right…you are giving yourself what you need without being needy with your wife.

That might be what she’s afraid of…your neediness of the hug and touch…she might be afraid that she won’t do it properly for you…she might be afraid that you’ll want too much from her, if she gives you a hug and touch….I don’t know but what I do know is that we are complicated beings and fear plays a big part in stopping us doing things.

You might see a hug and touch as small but she or someone else might see it as huge. Keep giving them to yourself and let me know what happens.

Everyone…Now is Your Chance to Ask Your Burning Question About Your Relationship…ask away below…

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”. Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Get your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Hot Tips (Action steps) AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php
 
Ask Your Question Here…