This sort of question comes up a lot, so it’s good to answer it here…

One of the best ways I know, is to bring the memory of the relationship you had before children back into your mind so that it is real…bring it to consciousness in full colour and with all the actions and the spoken words and step into the person you were back then as if you’re an actor stepping into a role on stage…really be who you were then…act as you do in the memory and don’t leave anything out.

Children really take over and that is important when they’re babies and very young children…even when they’re older it is important to listen to them and help them develop…however, not at the expense of yourselves.

Unfortunately, many women do as I did. I made my children my life to the expense of myself and my marriage. The interesting thing is that the more I gave, the more they took and demanded…I’ve had to learn to say “not just now” or “maybe another day” or “I can sit down with you at 6pm”.

Not only do relationships suffer but we the parent and individual suffers…we stop making ourselves important…we talk more about the children…we make time for them and not ourselves.

So, it is important to make time in your busy lives to do the things you love to do together…these may have changed since before children, for whatever reason…but do what you do love to do together…no excuses…just do them.

And don’t forget that foreplay just immediately before sex…it is during your whole time together…a little kiss here…a hug there…an “I love you” here…a loving note there…a loving text…a loving email…a loving phone call.

What’s loving?

Telling your loved one you love them…telling them why you love them…think of all the good qualities about your loved one and tell them. Gratitude is another loving thing to do and extremely important…even if you’ve set up a system where you do certain jobs and your loved one does certain jobs…be grateful that they do theirs…be grateful for the smallest thing…you don’t have to gush…”Thank you” can be enough…”Thank you for doing …”…”Thanks for saying that”…etc.

You’re a man, so take your wife out…be in charge but not in control…suggest something and see if she wants to do that…if she does then, book it…if she doesn’t then ask her what she would like to do. This is important for men…to be in charge but not control…take care of your loved one…be Sir Walter Raleigh and lay your cloak over a puddle and carry her over it…get between her and the dragon…open the door for her to walk through first…don’t let her walk home on her own at night. Equality is important but so is it important to be chivalrous. However if you don’t want to do what your loved one suggests, say so in a loving way and find something you both want to do.

If you’re a woman reading this…it’s OK to be a woman…I love it…give yourself permission to fill your bag…it’s what we do…let your loved one be in charge and feel free to suggest things…always be true to you and say if you don’t want to do something or not…there are plenty of things you can do together. Make sure you stop housework for your loved one and the washing up and make time for your loved one…this was something I didn’t do and it was a mistake…I was always too tired.

Sit down together and really find out what you both like and would enjoy together.

Communicate…communicate…communicate.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Peace Negotiator, Mediator and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Relationship Expert gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
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First of all, YES you can…I am 60 and I desire sex…of course, you may have turned those desires off because of hurt, pain and sadness or even anger and rejection…I did this in my marriage and another time.

Also sexual desire can disappear if you have a past history that catches up with you…for me, I felt abandoned by my husband because he was having affairs and when he wanted sex with me, I felt used and abused…this unconsciously made my body feel unsafe because of having been sexually and physically abused as a child. I had not idea at the time why I didn’t want sex.

It is so important to work through our past pains so that we can break through and lead a whole life and sex is a part of that.

I remember a young woman in her late 20s coming to me because she could have sex with her husband and she wanted to feel the desire again…she had been sexually, physically and mentally abused as a child and something her husband did unconsciously reminded her of that time and her body’s reaction was to stop feel desire.

Our bodies are really powerful and if we don’t become more aware of our body, the environment and our loved ones, we do just that, act out unconsciously.

To cut a long story short, I helped my client work through her past, become more aware of herself, her environment and her husband. In fact, she felt very sensual in nature and I helped her use her imagination to bring the memories of feeling sensual in nature into the present…with practice she was able to do this at the time when her husband wanted to make love to her.

This unfortunately, wasn’t all…she had become a master as using cooking, washing up and hoovering, etc to say she was too busy for sex…she now needed to let go of the need for a perfect home in that moment, knowing she could come back to it at any time in the future.

She also needed to play…we played in our sessions…this was alien to her…she was so serious…fun wasn’t allowed…she’d had too many years of pain, hurt and unhappiness…she even believed that if she had fun, she’d be abused…terrible. Everything is possible and learning to play as a child would…yes we had to go back to childhood and give her a new experience…this way she could choose whether to focus on what happened as a child or the present reality of pretending to be a child and play. She was able to bring more fun into her relationship and into her sex life.

Now, if you’re saying that you now desire sex again and you want to meet someone…wonderful. You just need to know the qualities you want in your loved one…make sure the qualities are in you so that you attract those qualities…start finding role models of how you want your loved one to be…perhaps in films, plays or in books…notice how the woman in the opposite role acts and be that woman…step into the character so that you attract a similar person to the one in the film, play or book.

Enjoy yourself, your body and life…it is really important to pleasure yourself to create what you want.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Peace Negotiator, Mediator and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

The most important way to communicate is to stay with yourself…so many of us, and I have to keep practising this, say “You” when we mean “I”…by doing this you are not making yourself important…this is a MUST. You MUST put yourself first, however not in a selfish way, but an inclusive way.

When we feel hurt, angry, sad, happy, joyful, excited…we must say “I feel….(whatever the feeling is)”…we give our power away far too much.

Imagine how you want to communicate with your husband and children…to get that image you must look around you…look to see if someone you know is a good role model for this…maybe you’ve seen someone in a film doing and saying just what you want to do and say, maybe in a play, or in a book you’ve read or in a workshop you’ve been to…it doesn’t matter where as long as the person is doing and saying what you would like to do and say.

If you can, listen and watch it, or read it again…really get it so that you instinctively know it…embody it in your whole being by stepping into that role…really becoming the role…and speaking and acting as that role. Have an image of the person and hold it regularly on the TV screen of your mind, walk, stand and talk as they do.

When you talk to your husband and children, be clear about what you want for you and/or from them.

If something they have said or done makes you feel angry…check out if there is another feeling underneath which is being covered up by the anger…maybe hurt or pain. Say “I feel hurt when you do (or say) that and what I would prefer you to do (or

say) is ……..(and give an example which means that you must know what you want them to say or do instead).”

Of course, you may be feeling angry and you need to say “I feel angry when you say that and what I’d prefer you to say is…..”

You are the most important person in your life and you will honour yourself far more by making “I” statements and not acting out…actually getting upset or angry…of course, it’s important to show that you mean what you are saying by being congruent with you body language, so make sure you’re not smiling or crying when you feel angry…you’d be surprised how many people do this because they were brought up believing that anger was not allowed….and look happy when you feel it.

Let me know if there is something else you want to communicate.

I shall be in Orlando next week…if you live nearby, you might want to come along to a book signing, workshop or speaking engagement…I don’t have all the details yet but if you would like to come along, please phone me on 407-578-9628 or email me at wolfsongk9relations@gmail.com for more details.

Also, if you’re in England you might want to buy “Love It!” magazine in which I am giving tips on “How to…Have Sex with the Same Man Forever”…enjoy.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

I imagine you miss your wife when she spends time with her family…if so…tell her…maybe go with her.

I also imagine your wife is close to her family and therefore wants to spend time with them.

If the time your wife spends spoils the time you would have had with her, I imagine you might feel jealous, hurt and/or lonely…tell her.

Always stay with how you feel emotionally ie “I feel (hurt) when you spend so much time with your family and what I would like you to do is (to spend more time with me)” …substitute the bracketed words with whatever is right for you.

By speaking like this, you take responsibility for how you feel and are not blaming your wife…I don’t imagine for one moment that she wants to do anything to you…she just wants to see her family.

Of course, there may be other reasons why your wife sees her family a lot — in your eyes — so talk with her…understand why she goes a lot.

Maybe you could take her out more…suggest doing things together…not to keep her away from her family but so she wants to spend time with you…there are many ideas in my book “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work”.

It’s Valentine’s Day on Thursday…make sure you do something special with her.

If it’s possible, maybe your wife could see her family when you’re not at home.

Whatever you do please remember, you must always communicate with each other.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

Have you lost the magic in your relationship? If so, look back and see when it started and what happened or didn’t happen at that time.

On the outside, there are various reasons…everyone is different…every relationship is different…and therefore there could be one reason and mixture of reasons or just the last straw.

However the outside is generally not the real reason…it’s normally to do with each person in the relationship…in the beginning you were attracted to each other for more than your looks, what you said, how you walked, your smile, etc…I believe you were attracted by the energy of each of you. What do I mean by this? We give off an aura of who we are, where we’ve come from, what’s happened in our lives…it’s all there in the way we hold ourselves, the way we speak, the way we walk, stand, sit…we tell a story without even telling it.

Once in the relationship, even though you may say to yourself consciously or unconsciously, “I’m not going to be like my parents” (or one of them), “This relationship won’t be like my parents’ marriage”, “This one’s different, and this won’t be like other relationships” and even “He’s not like my father” or “She’s not like my mother”…or words like that…what you’re focusing on is the previous relationships and how your loved one is not like a parent.

The important thing is to focus on the positive…whenever you use “Not” find the polar opposite to what that is eg “I’m not going to be like my parents”…find the polar opposite…where have you seen a couple that you believe have got it together and have a wonderful relationship or at least a good enough one…maybe in the films or on stage, in a book or a couple you know.

When you recall your ideal couple, then focus on them and state, “I have a relationship like ………”

Always keep your language positive and in the present…then the important thing is to see your role in your ideal relationship…start acting, speaking, etc like the woman or the man in your ideal relationship…let them be your role model and copy them.

Another reason the magic goes is that people stop trying…I’ve heard it many times and even said it myself, “I shouldn’t have to try because he’s the one for me and therefore it should just happen.”

NO! This is not the truth…if you want a picture you’re painting to look good, then you may be a natural artist but you have to make an effort, try your best, because this could be the difference between selling it or not selling it, selling it at a great price or selling it cheaply…

…so make sure you make the same effort in your relationship…say what you mean, say how you feel, give, remembering to receive well too, become more aware of yourself and your loved one, listen, watch, being loving, kind and thoughtful…not just on Valentine’s Day or their birthday but every day.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

You are right…you must maintain your integrity and never compromise your true self…stay true to who you are.

In Chapter 2 of my book, Being Who We Truly Are, you will see how I encourage you to vision what you really want your relationship to look like and keep holding the vision even when you are challenged by your husband. There is a complete exercise to follow through with. Not only will you find this chapter in my book but you can get it for free when you sign up for my Weekly Advice and Action Steps.

I want you to hold the vision, as I’ve said, and to step into the role of you in the vision…see what it feels like when you actually have the relationship how you want it to be…then start being that person in real life.

At the same time, you must use “I” statements and say how you feel emotionally when you want to discuss something with your husband…it will go something like this…”I feel angry/hurt/sad/enraged/pain/miserable/confused/etc when you say/do … and what I would prefer you to say/do is …”

 Of course you can use the good feelings when you praise him and are grateful for other things he does/says. This is imperative…you and I thrive on gratitude, praise and love…in fact babies die if they don’t get love.

It doesn’t matter how small it is, thank him and tell him how good you feel…washing the dishes, digging the garden, wiping his feet, putting the top on the toothpaste…thank him…even hugging you, taking notice of you, etc.

Staying with you is the only way, whether your husband has a delicate male ego or not.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

I imagine you’re both very strong people and feel the need to be “Top Dog”. One of the outcomes of competing is that neither of you end up as “Top Dog”, hence your question for this blog…as I imagine you don’t feel good when you have a sense that your loved one is competing with you or even when you know you are competing with her.

The most important thing to do is to stay with you…it is important not to accuse your loved one of competing…

Investigate… become aware of how you feel emotionally and where you feel it in your body…
Then you can say something like “I feel tense and angry when you say (or do) that”…
You might want to follow this up with “and what I’d prefer you to say (or do) is ….” however you need to know what this is, so really think with you heart here and not your head…I’m sure you have a wonderful brain but at these times it’s useful to pretend to cut off your head and just speak and think from your heart, difficult as that may be.

Another powerful thing to do would be to…

Stand in her shoes,
Become an actor,
Stand as she does,
Get a feel for what might be going on for her…she may be reacting to something you have said or done
Then you could say that you imagine she feels whatever that may be…this stops any blame
At the same time, you could (if it’s true) say that it wasn’t your intention to make her feel that way
Say what you really meant
However if you consciously meant to say (or do) what you said (or did) then you must admit that too… it’s so important to own what you are saying and doing…even if you feel vulnerable doing so
Then ask her what she would prefer you to say or do….give her time to really be sure what she wants
Be careful here, because women (and I’m one of course), can expect you men to mind read us…so if she says she doesn’t know or even angrily says something like “You should know”…explain that you are not a mind reader and that you want to be considerate…of course this doesn’t mean you have to please her all the time…it’s more about saying what you want to say in a creative way, rather than being competitive.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

Growing in different directions can be a challenge…as is this time of the year…Christmas is challenging to most relationships.

Maintaining balance is important for everyone…you must make time for each other, no matter what direction you are growing in. How can you do this?

I’m sure you make time for “making love”… however, if you don’t, make sure you do. Everyone wants to be at least sensually touched even if they don’t necessarily need or want sex at a given time. Check out with with you loved one how he is feeling and what his needs and wants are. It is important to talk about it and to say what your needs and wants are too. When I was married to my ex-husband this was something I was not good at…saying what I needed or wanted…I thought it should all happen naturally…we loved each other and therefore it would be good. No, I was wrong and our sex life was not good for me or him. I didn’t realise then, how important it is to talk about “making love”. Unfortunately, he was tempted to to go in a “different direction” with someone else for “making love”.

This “talking” will help you maintain balance in your relationship…do it regularly…every day…good communication in any relationship is important…ask your loved one how they are feeling, what they want and make sure you say how you’re feeling and what you want. I’ve written many times about this following exercise which you will also find in my book along with many other useful exercises, ideas, affirmations, quotes etc…

Set aside at least 12 mins…start with this…I’m sure you’ll find it so useful, you’ll want to increase when you can.

Sit opposite each other, if possible (sometimes and if necessary ie because of travelling, this could be done on the telephone…be creative but do it)…one of you starts by saying for 2 mins how you feel emotionally and physically, what’s going on for you and in your life with your loved one and outside of your relationship…remember, if you have 2 mins that this might seem long but in fact it’s quite short so make sure you say what really needs to be said…

The other partner sits and really listens…is completely present, physically and emotionally…really look at your partner…don’t agree or disagree, in fact, don’t say anything, don’t nod or shake your head…just sit and really hear what each other has to say.

After 2 mins, swap over.

After 2 mins, one gives the other feedback for 2 mins…as you receive the feedback, just listen. The feedback can consist of what you heard, what you saw, what you felt emotionally and physically as you listened…whatever might be relevant to the other partner.

After 2 mins, swap over.

After 2 mins do a general sharing for about 2 – 4 mins…to begin with, you might want to say how the exercise was for you and more of how your felt emotionally and physically…whatever seems relevant.

You might find it useful to talk about how it is for you to feel that you’re growing in different directions…discuss it…find a way to keep your relationship alive and in balance.

A big part of keeping a good balance is to exercise…if you can, maybe you could do this together…if you go to the gym, even

if you use different equipment, you might want to go together if you can. This will keep you fit and your relationship fit too. I

have always found exercise a great way to get out of my mind…sometimes I go for a run when I am stuck with something be it a feeling or work or a relationship and when I return, I always feel better in myself, I feel more invigorated for work and I know what I need to know with regard to a relationship issue. So make time at least 3 or 4 times a week. Remember, it doesn’t have to be for long…all exercise is good to find space for… however your heart is very important… so make sure you do something aerobic for at least 20 mins, 3 or 4 times a week.

Play together in some way…

…go for a walk
…watch a film you both want to see…
…go to the theatre if you both like it
…go to an art galarie if you both want this
…spend a day or a weekend away
…go out for dinner at least once a week
…if you both like a sport, watch it
…cook
…list all the things you could do to play together and then do them.

Find a way of having fun together…humour is really important where balance is concerned and great for the endorphines…

…laugh at yourself
…laugh with your partner but never at them

I don’t like funfairs but they are wonderful for the endorphines too if you like a good scream!

If you’re both creative, build something or make something together.

I really trust I have interpreted your question correctly…if I haven’t please enlarge upon your question or ask me a different way.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE Chapter of my Book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE Weekly Relationship Guidance and Action Steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

Blog Talk Radio Show

December 19, 2007

I was interestingly interviewed on the Blog Talk Radio Show on 11 December and I thought you might be interested in watching the video that was creatively made by David Ewen of Blog Talk Radio Show fame:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ewenprime … date and time 12/12/207 02.00

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php

I’m delighted that you want to “Respond”…this is such an important way of being with anyone when they challenge us and it is really difficult to respond and not react. Even if you don’t manage it all the time, keep practising because it will pay off in the end.

I imagine your partner could be afraid of being Wrong and probably feels insecure and probably does not have a lot of self-worth even if they seem to have loads of it.

Arguing isn’t useful, nor is any reaction to what they say…you are both right…you are right for you and they are right for them!

You are both different and you will have differences of opinion…it is really important for you both to allow each other to have a different opinion and let it go.

At the same time, it is important that you are considered by your partner as I imagine you consider them.

Listen to them…if they go on for a long time interject and ask how they are feeling…in fact, as you listen to them, notice if they seem angry or another feeling…I imagine they will be feeling hurt and concerned that you will take over even if that isn’t the case…they could be projecting one of their parents on to you who was strong and in control and always right! They may also be mirroring your own lack of self-worth.

You must love you first…you must listen to yourself first…you must do what it takes to love you.

When speaking with your partner, always stay calm…speak from your heart and not your emotions or your head…say “I feel …(whatever the emotion is and I imagine you feel hurt)” I would want to say “I feel hurt and that makes me want to protect myself by getting angry with you when you always want to be right and won’t even listen to me”…you might want to use your own words. Then ask them to listen to you as you have listened to them (of course, you must have already really heard them first).

If you have a copy of my book, there is a great exercise in Chapter 2, Being Who We Truly Are…start thinking about how you want your partner to be…think of someone in a film, play or book that would be the ideal model…notice what their qualities are and how they are with their partner.

Step into being that person’s partner and notice how you feel and how wonderful it is to feel really heard, respected and loved.

Now make that feeling bigger…and now make that feeling bigger still…really breathe into this wonderful feeling…notice how you are holding yourself, how you are standing or sitting, etc… really take notice of all the details.

Start imaging how you want your relationship to be with your partner…really see them discussing things with you and being with you in the way you truly want them to be… and you truly want to be treated… and how you truly want to be in the relationship.

Keep holding the image and say an affirmation…either the one in Chapter 2 or maybe “I am so happy and grateful now that I am in a wonderful, loving, caring, considerate relationship with ……(the name of your partner) in increasing quantities, through multiple sources on a continuous basis.” Choose the words that seem right for you and remember to use “considerate” or something that means the same because I imagine you want to be considered as you say that you see your loved one as needing to always be right.

Things will change…you just have to start the ball rolling.

(c) copyright 2007 Anita Jackson, Speaker, Counsellor/Psychotherapist/Coach and Author of “Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com

Internationally recognised Love Wizard gives results-based guidance that creates the love and happiness you deserve in your

life.

Here is your…
FREE chapter of book at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com PLUS
FREE weekly relationship guidance and Action steps AND
FREE teleseminar at http://www.rekindlethemagic.com/teleseminar1.php